50 chapters of my life: well, one SATURDAY to be precise

[ blip ]

1. huh?

2. I ‘referesh’ the page
….… and wait

3. He’s not there.
…..a. the connection is screwed. I’m not in some shanty town or war zone.
…..b. his connection is screwed. He is in some shanty town or war zone.

4. I open another tab. Another window. Another site where he ‘lives’.

5. OK. Definitely his line.
….a. or he has been captured. A hostage.
….b. collapsed – he’s ill.
….c. died

6. {Penny – SHUT UP!}

7. I go to my docs appointment. In a daze. I amazed myself how I made it without any event.

8. Mom irritates the doc. There goes my ‘catch’. Getting hitch to the doc is a practical solution.

9. { is HE ok???!? }

10. I feel nauseated. I made it to the basin. Bent over and …

11. The doc, nurse and mom sits still. They think it’s the meds.
…..a. not my visualisation. Sprawled. Cold. Sweat. Motionless. Alone.
…..b. Hands bound.
………{bloody cheap plastic cuff – like those I fasten over my black trash bags}
…..c. not visualising anything. Not hearing the ‘ping’ ever again.

12. #10. again.
……Doc changes the meds. He says something. I am sure. I don’t know what.

13. I drive to a suburban mall.
……I buy 6 books. 6 silly lift-me-up-girlie-flighty books!

14. I drive home. To talk to mom. No. I can’t talk to mom.

15. I drive home. I eat a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

16. Rover ate most.

17. I scroll my ‘contacts’. I have NO girlfriends. I dial my ex-

18. I hang up. He left me for his mistress. I think.

19. I won’t remember my conversation or message if I DID call the ex-

20. The ex- will never forget my conversation or message if I DID call him.

21. And I’ll never forget she’s called 1D Mark II.

22. #10 (again!)
…….Can’t figure out if it’s because:
…….a. I attempted to call the ex-
…….b. I called the ex- to talk about … What could I possibly say?
…….c. I don’t know what has happened?
…….d. I don’t understand why I’m over reacting;
………..d. 1 over a person who IS going to leave me one way or the other
………..d. 2 a person who is capable of caring for himself since 7 years of age
………..d. 3 a person who had lived life on the edge for > 1 decade
…….e. the meds

23. I attempt to nap. My stomach feels queasy. I want to scream.

24. My mom thinks its the meds.

25. It is the meds! No?

26. A ‘girlfriend’ calls. He’s IN town!

27. I drive to a posh place for dinner.

28. I feel a pang of guilt. Over dinner. Over the menu. Over the luxury.
…….I am delighted to see my ‘girlfriend’.
…….We chat without reservations.

29. The man on the next table eavesdrops.
……His spirit and soul is numbed by years of marriage.

30. Business. Work. Multi-million deals. Loans. BoyfriendS. Deaths. Illnesses.
…….Raunchy details. Catty remarks. Who could blame him?
…….I would eavesdrop me!

31. My ‘girlfriend’s’ blunt honesty coated with sarcasm helps me.

32. I acknowledge I am a bored soul that strives on quonundrum / conundrum.

33. The dual-spelling is for the benefit of the reader who actually emails me answers to my:
……thinking out aloud” questions.

34. I shouldn’t lose weight.

35. I shouldn’t lose sleep.

36. I shouldn’t lose whatever sense I had to begin with.

37. The meds are already doing a great job at it.

38. For the next 5 months… more. I think.

39. Before I am to decide. Decide? I just realised I haven’t been told what!

40. The doc is out to reap me. I am certain of this.

41. My insurance premium will sky rocket.

42. Hence, second sentence in #8 applies.

43. I don’t know why I am writing this in #s.

44. I knew I would lose all sense of myself (ref: #36)
……a. and this is the fun part.
……b. this is what we all hope to happen to us

45. I’ll smile on my way to work.

46. I giggle to myself.

47. And I worry…
……a. when technology doesn’t work
……b. when riots and war breaks out. when hostages are taken.

48. I haven’t figured it out. Yet.
…….I live not knowing a whole lot of things.

49. I am happy being a silly goose.

50. I am just not feeling too good about:
…….a. # 22-e
…….b. # 3

{ please . please . please . FIGHT . FIGHT. FIGHT . friggin’ FIGHT IT! whatever it is . i know . i heard you. mortality is the only thing you can’t guarantee . but … please, NOT yet . }

3 thoughts on “50 chapters of my life: well, one SATURDAY to be precise

  1. i can only guess darlin’ …{gahhhhh}tell me who is this man!details… details…and are you ok?now you are keeping not 1 but 2 secrets from me! i am your best-est friend, no?

  2. refer to #161) Rover is surely a ‘pet’2) Rover can lights up3) Rover ‘consumes’ a lot especially with the ever increasing ‘commodity’4) i really do not think u lose any sense at all because :-4a) rover did eat most4b) rover does not need meds5) lol

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