Travel Diary: the few last days there …

I’ve not been sleeping well.
Exhaustion. Anxiety. Pure restlessness. Knotted tummy. Cold. Disorientated. Home sick. Jumbled thoughts.
There’s so much going on in the mind and yet I am unable to concisely say what or list them.
Maybe I don’t want to.
Maybe its better and safer to remain hazy.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

His eyes started swelling all of a sudden. Tears fell.
This would be the second time I’ve seen a man cry. Not out of distraught of a death or physical pain. But that of emotional pain. {I think}
I was caught off guard. I didn’t expect it.
I knew and sense the undercurrents. The culminating factors. {I think} 
I just didn’t think he would. He masked things all the time and have perfected the art of diversion.
But me. {sigh} I know all too well on keeping up appearances.
There’s no fooling me with his cutesy antics that hinges on being annoying. Diversions doesn’t work on me.
I wish silently sometimes that he would just be him: Raw. Honest. Simple. No clowning around. On serious matters.
But who am I to expect? And why should he change?
I do wonder why though. Crying that is.
And yes, this is one of the many things keeping me awake last night.
Was he crying for me? Was he crying for himself?
I’m incline to think the latter.
What does he care about me?
I’m just another being that walks-in and -out. Just another matter in this universe that cohabits his space for a fraction of his entire lifetime. A matter that is too insignificant. Just another subject of fascination to fill a temporary void, perhaps. Just a passerby who paused to take a look at a snapshot of his life.
“There are far worse sufferings in the world” … as rightly put, in unfortunately the most inappropriate time.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Insecurity. Headaches. Hallucinations. Nightmares. Dreams. 
That’s what hours on dark, cold, rough terrain roads do to me.

Photo © Penelope Gan – All Rights Reserved – ‘ghostly’ Tibetan prayer flags along bridges, borders and hillside for protection?

Why the f-@#$ do ‘what ifs‘ thoughts and self doubt keep creeping up?
Was I harsh and judgmental? Why couldn’t I just understand and be emphatic? Was I being fair?
{screams and pleads silently for the ‘ghost’ to leave … but it just wouldn’t}

Why can’t the past remain in the past? Why do skeletons insist on bursting the doors open?

When will this long, ardous journey end? I can’t take another bend, another curve, another fog …
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I sobbed uncontrollably.
I wished I wasn’t so messed-up myself. I wished I could have been better.

I am sorry to have caused a stir of emotions, if I did. Nevertheless I am sorry for being … being … I dunno.
I don’t know what exactly I am sorry for. But I am.

The floodgates just washed over a tightly knotted ball of mess.
I can’t put my finger to it.
Maybe I don’t want to. Maybe it’s just too much. Maybe it’s too ingrained and too late.
I don’t know.

{6 hours plus later. after the tears that is…}
I lived ‘IN‘ the moment.
I’ve done this many times over. Living ‘IN‘ the moment that is.
Different occasions. Different circumstances. Different time frames. Definitely different activities.
I know how it’s played (and re-played).
Sanitized to immediate thoughts, logic and emotions … only to resurface as lingering scars … more dark mysterious memories.
Then, all of a sudden I heard “Penny, thank you“.
WTF?!?
I plunge once again …
The mirror in which my cool demure reflects in crashes into microscopic splinters. I plunge yet once again …
BUT … “There are far worse sufferings in the world” … as rightly put, in unfortunately the most inappropriate time.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
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6 thoughts on “Travel Diary: the few last days there …

  1. andy88I took a dog photo on the trip.No I took 2 dog photos on the trip.Photo #1Dog had a brown left eye and a blue right eye.Location: Rumtek Monastery, SikkimPhoto #2Two dogs trying to mount one dog.Location: New Market, CalcuttaBoth are priceless. Definitely tells a lot about both places!:pfoto.grapher & John I am just laughing this off.Won't go into details about it. Just look out in my photo website:http://penelopegan.com/photoblog/

  2. What was the shoot about?Honestly, I think its an honor and great levels of appreciation that he thanked you. Nothing to be emotional about it. But yeah, I know how you break down after each and every one of these assignments.foto.grapher, this woman can afford to do it free and will continue to do it. I bet you she won't jump ship or hang her gear.

  3. lolHey woman I promised not to laugh and say I told you so if you join us in commercial and wedding. It pays as well. Yours is just too emotional and draining lah. Cannot cari makan also and its really dog work.

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