not so fine dining + the green glob

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Only at fine dining restaurants you’d get something that goes along the lines of:

sauteed pureed apple with open flamed toasted walnut soup with a dash of extra pure olive oil …
The thing is really to confuse the reader into total surrender so as not to realise that you’ll soon be parting with loads of money for a lyrical mambo jumbo you have no idea what it is inscribed in Edwardian Script on very thick and lightly scented canvas embossed Conqueror paper in the finest of platinum coloured ink.
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As for the food, there’s very little of it – almost none other than dribbles of mustard / strawberry sauce  / chocolate sauce / almond sauce / any-sauce-you-fancy that makes fanciful modern art type patterns inspired by Nazca lines on the white China with a child-sized-pinched of a rocket leaf for the 3-dimensional effect. Even a shred of rocket leaf seems to inflate 5-thousand times in fine dining and just about the most visible edible item you can find on your exaggerated sized plate. 
But last Friday, the food was not-so-fine-dining.
And I know this simply because the diameter of the plate was well within 12 inches.
And all the green glob was possibly the content of 3 bottles of pureed Heinz baby food – which by fine dining standards is a generous portion of food.
“This tastes like baby food, doesn’t it?”
And at least 4 people said that in inference to the sauteed pureed apple with open flamed toasted walnut soup with a dash of extra pure olive oil …’ while looking at me.
whoa… why me?
I mean, I am the ONLY person there who’s SINGLE, and trust me there’s no child out of wedlock hiding under the table. 
And why the heck would I want to include green booger wiping as a past time by adopting a child?
Sure, I have brought up kids.
Perhaps the largest Heinz baby food consumer was Sheng* coz his daddy was perpetually buried under a tonne of books. Though it was claimed that the shelves could no longer hold it’s weight, or the alternative version was he has a plane to board for a conference in less than 32 hours was the reason, I highly suspect that it’s the smell of paper he is hooked on. And mommy Sheng … well, she discovered ICQ.
Between Sheng, myself, the lack of entertainment and too many seconds in a day, we have tasted Tabby’s food. Wet canned ones and the yellow-cheese-shaped-cheese-flavoured ‘biscuit’ that he leaves behind after every feed, picking up every other colour, shape and flavoured ‘biscuit’ – fish, chicken drumstick, beef … etc. 
We have tasted Bow’s food. Which is tastier and chunkier than Tabby’s.
This in itself proved the point of the century: dogs are indeed smarter than cats
Well, long before ALPO concluded conclusively this finding, I could independently have told you that Bow was capable of organising a picket outside ALPO’s headquarters in protest of … I don’t know. Whatever dogs would protest about I suppose.
Twitties’ nuts and seeds was dead on stale and flat … 
And after all this I NEVER once tasted Heinz baby food.
Seriously. The combination is a put off. 
I mean who in the sane mind would think of ‘Banana-Chicken’??? 
Likewise isn’t sauteed pureed apple with open flamed toasted walnut soup with a dash of extra pure olive oil …’ a spin-off from Waldorf Salad, which I don’t get either. Truth be told I have nothing against the Salad part and I for the life of me do not know who Waldorf is let alone met him to dislike him. It’s the walnuts. Yes. I simply can’t bring myself to crunch those toasted mini ‘brains’ between my teeth.
The same logic applies to sesame seeds.
Anyone for some oil residues that has taken semi-permanent residency in my pores until I forcibly evacuate them for over-staying? Uh huh … you FINALLY gettit. Totally gros!
So whilst everyone mechanically spooned the green glob of sauteed pureed apple with open flamed toasted walnut soup with a dash of extra pure olive oil …’ and tossed it to the back of their throats hoping it wouldn’t slide down the windpipes – oh yeah, you’d be pretty much screwed and go ark! ark! ark! not from gagging from lack of air but rather eweeeee disgusting! – I can tell you this much: 
it tasted as bad as pigeon poo with bits of semi-dried ear wax floating in it. I’ve never tasted my feathered friend’s droppings. I’ve only tasted semi-dried boogers once as a child under duress by my elder sister (who on retrospection is a coward for not tasting it herself!). But some things you don’t need to taste to know its bad.
Thank God for being able to put mind over matter every time I face the ‘porcelain’, the sauteed pureed apple with open flamed toasted walnut soup with a dash of extra pure olive oil + poached pink salmon on a bed of charred garlic pips in a sea of mashed peas + chocolate crème brûlée had one heck of a potential of being Heinz baby food best seller combination after it had gone through a reverse motion through my gastronomical digestion track.
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* Sheng is 14 today (I am old!) and tops New South Wales school ranking every year. 
I am embarrassed to have failed all his Titanic quizzes 7 years ago … ah… yes, only a Heinz baby would read a 1,000-plus page book containing facts and figures of Titanic at age 7.
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5 thoughts on “not so fine dining + the green glob

  1. we dont read into those edwardian script at my 1 star michelin. it's either..ching yue or lala or..yue tow. never more than 3 words.miss my nepali dahl bath..sigh.

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