Work Diary: Lack of Composure

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ONE-ish am.
Pushing 2. I am dead tired. Too tired to sleep. Insomnia. The devil of the night creeps in again; starting at the nape of my neck and pressing my temples together. Wonder why its called ‘temples’.
This is detrimental.
Work. Travel sites. Visa requirements. Flights. And of course the obsession with cameras. 
It’s amazing the number of hours wasted just staring at these pixels. Making sense of the above. But all of it seems worth the time spent except for the first one of late. 
I am feeling awfully uninspired.
Arising from dissatisfaction and a sense of being short-changed. BIG time.
Given that I have been penalised 40 basis point for lack of good behaviour, which translates to 20 big Gs … I am just gonna come clean and say it:
I am upset that void of flaws, mistakes, boo-boos and less than perfection in the quantity, quality and value derived from the work I turned in, I was unjustly penalised for supposedly ‘lack of composure’; i.e. being unforgiving of others shortcomings, a perfectionists, judgmental and forms hard and fast opinions.
I mean … whoa
wait-a-minute. I am swimming against a sea of mediocrity for the life of me. Even my mentor, a Divisional Director, acknowledges this and confesses that like me, hailing from consulting, he has to time and again remind himself that ‘mediocrity rules – live with sub-standards’. 

And you know what? 

If I do not verbalised any of my genuine thoughts {which ha ha trust me is bad with a capital “B” “A” “D”}, well, wouldn’t it say a lot of those passing judgment on me that they too are judgmental and quick to draw self perceived conclusions based on my nuances?

hmmm… does make you wonder who’s the ‘pot’ and who’s the ‘kettle’ doesn’t it?
Well, noted this is a one sided story but let me tell you this:

the less perfect – those who miss their performance and achievement target by a mile – gets away with murder.

Senior Departmental Heads and even Divisional Directors gets off the hook with shouting across a room, throwing files at colleagues, exchanging abusive and bullying emails, and engaging in spats that includes vulgarity and harsh comments that have resulted in subordinates and colleagues throwing in the towel with 24 hours notice.

Alas, the damage has been done.
One is only left wondering: what has come of this world?

So while I sit here crunching and re-crunching the same set of data, cutting and slicing them 15.08 thousand different ways {where the chance of any positive results from predictive modeling is as high as me sighting the Northern Lights from my bedroom}, I have very little interest in the tasks at hand.
I know with almost 95% certainty what the probable outcome would be even before gritting my teeth for another grueling boring session of slicing and dicing numbers. I know all the permutations by now. I dream them awake and asleep!!!
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And with that and the clock ticking away while I curse the remaining hours left before the new day of data crunching repeats itself over like a bad Déjà vu, the fact is the data needs to be crunched. The Board Paper needs to be submitted … prolonging the pain doesn’t make my personal pain any lesser.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
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me?
Lack of Composure?
SURE. It’s an area I’ve been working with my Personal Coach and have shown marked improvement … but to be judge by the very same people who don’t walk the talk and have sub-standards on the composure front … that’s hardly tolerable. 
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4 thoughts on “Work Diary: Lack of Composure

  1. @philask mom herself next time you see her – :pno commentPersonal Coach = surrogate mother who doesn't mince her words and pushes you on for your betterment. I love my PC. She's amazing!!! Well, she's in the aged collector's wine category.

  2. lolLooks like it runs in the family – being spoilt lah. Can I be your brother and follow mom?Anyways, what's 20Gs compared to the total package lah? What's a coach? Personal Coach? You mean your Coach boutiwue at home issit???lol

  3. I love you too khor2.Makaibari??? yeeeeeeeeeeeassshhhHHH. Now I love you doubly more. We do a meet-up or something lah. No hurry. Still have one BIG box of Makaibari at home and a MID sized box (took back from boss) to tie me over 2011. :)Anyways, when we going Kerala?Me mom's away in April (NZ), June (Italy), July (Sri Lanka) … see the wonders of being retired???:)

  4. pi tidur la sayang. well judging from how bad the world is against u, calcutta is considered……not bad already….lolz. btw, i also not bad wat….makaibari tea on the way…jzu dont know when for delivery..lolz.

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