dear doctor …

Hey YOU! uh huh YOU who got lost amongst the countless of Viagra emails I receive off late at work; the clear failure of the Bank’s IT security system which somehow gives me a minor jolt of cynical excitement primarily from my overactive imagination that re-enacts a pseudo fairy tale like imagery of the ‘corrupt’ flowed through the cracks of the fortified fortress that shields and protects the “holy Islamic land”.

Yes, my time here is almost up.
I can feel it. I know it in my heart. In  the realms of logic.

But I shall do the selfish thing of hanging on … consulting the charts every so often in the name of self discovery! {ha ha NOT}

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In its own form its emotionally gruelling.
I totally get it. The dilemma. The guilt {if I may boldly suggest}.
And of course the complexity of the need for balance, be surrounded by beauty and the vanity associated with your sun sign. Our sun sign.

Oh yes, my dear, how I do understand what you’re saying but unable to express my feelings and thoughts in words; in part due to my inadequate vocabulary!

I’ve long tried to use art for a greater purpose.
Carefully treading on egg shells so as not to exploit and yet exposing enough raw truth to yield the desired amount to draw attention to their plight.

More often than not I have been burned.
Emotionally mostly as other resources lost seems immaterial comparatively.
The bureaucracies in NGOs tires and irritates me.
The wannabes and socialites (the “money bags”) motives bothers me.

I’ve stopped for over a year now.
No photography. No fundraising.

Am I happier? Lighter?
I frankly have no answer.

Do I feel like I still have a purpose (especially in photography)? Do I feel whole?
I frankly have no answer.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A convenient excuse?
Maybe that’s what I have ‘found’.
(this could also be my desperate attempt to seek a glimpse of the cloud’s silver lining)

I’ve been stripped off all my gears on 14th April.
Ironically, or perhaps spoilt for choices and hence the need to exercise prioritisation the Iranian robbers decided on the safe and the Nikons only (plus one Elmarit lens by mistake), leaving behind the Leicas and Hasselblad. This demands that I step up my film skills exponentially, but alas I am in no frame of mind to do anything.

I can’t even say this is a result of the depression of being robbed as deep in my heart I have lost any drive or fire to get up, get out and shoot!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A pity.
I truly need to leave this as it is now.
My grumbling tummy demands to be fed.
I’m off to an offsite meeting shortly.
I can’t wait to get out of ‘ere!
My quota of being civil is dangerously tipping over …

Do what you have to do … embrace your emotions. Your feelings.
That makes you beautiful. That breathes life into your art.


2 thoughts on “dear doctor …

  1. Unbelievable you stopped. It has always been your passion and calling. The one 'job' I did, I did it not for the cause as you knew then, but I was inspired and moved by your passion, drive and believe.Take your time to find your footing. I'm sorry you were 'burnt'. Like most of us have said over and over again, that's the 'price' working for NGOs – the bureaucracies and the people running it really bugs me often too. But you have stood by your grounds and did wonderful stuff. I'm sure more will come in your own way.

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