L.O.V.E sucks!


i am convinced love is the BIGGEST joke ever in life

Sure, in my case it’s definitely infatuation.
But love, infatuation, crush {as the teens calls it} they are all one but the same in terms of the emotional chaos and distraction it results in.

Whilst it’s noble, almost serene in its projection from a philosophical stand point – being a state of mind or virtue that represents human kindness, compassion and affection – or even from a scientific and evolutionary point of view where it’s plain brutal facts of a function that keeps us together against menaces and facilitates the continuation of the species, it is the “chemical love” that’s creating a storm in my teacup, to put it mildly, that I abhor. 
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How is it possible NOT to have any cyber footprint in this age?
And yet that holds true and puts my patience to test!

When it comes to my patience, we all know how badly I can fair. 

The upside of this is: rest assured I won’t have the temperament to poison anyone to death … the most common method employed by the fairer sex in all domestic and spouse related murders – strictly FYI.

This explains my reluctance to change my ‘single’ status as I know deep down in my heart I’ll eventually develop the mens rea to want to prematurely terminate my other half at some repetitive points along the collective future time line we chose to take on.

Anyways, that’s for another day.

Here’s an interesting discovery – but staying true to my confused, complex, contradictory nature – I hate being stalked and googled {yet have multiple blog sites and websites}But I have tried my hands stalking and exhausted every means of tracking and finding information on him over the past few weeks. 

I remembered reading his Linked-In profile {read: boring and nothing I had not known}, but in my desperate need to ‘hold’ on to something, even boring trumps exciting …b..b..bbBBut, the profile doesn’t show up again despite numerous creative attempts through Spotlight and other inner recesses of information layered up and stored by Mac. 

It’s now past 2:30 am and my mind is far from receding into ‘sleep’ mode.
Every synapses is jiggling; anxious and alert about the possibility of connecting something… about himBut it is a VOID – save for one lousy corporate website results that keeps appearing; one where he ‘sits’ on the ‘all-so-important-people’ list. The type of list I’ll run away from and hide in the darkest and deepest cave should my name ever appear on; forgetting my claustrophobic state of mind.

What am I trying to find so desperately?
Even the faintest of stain on himA microscopic size spec will do.

Noooo… I am not wanting to destroy him.
I am trying not to destroy me {from admittedly self destruction}

uh huh … my current behavior and obsession sure seems to indicate quite the opposite. 
But you don’t get it; so please do not pre-judge me.

I am saving me from a broken heart …
I NEED to see him in his less than decent, cultured, stable, brilliant ways. Calculated and guarded with the occasional burst of cheekiness and flippant statements – the glimpses of “I am comfortable and informal with you” – plus the over use of emoticons. Things that usually produces the same negative reaction in me as hearing nails being scratch over a black board, but when it comes from him, it’s an: awwww…

From him, it flips my heart over. 
I skip in the air. 

I don’t want to.
I can’t.
I MUST not.
Heavenly Gods, please I beg you, please give me dirt. Just one.
I can’t go on re-reading his emails and short messages endlessly.
‘Jump’ with hope and anticipation at every blip my phone produces … silently praying that the ‘envelope’ icon when depressed will produce a message from him.

… but it’s not him
sinking my self into a decidedly foul mood with a whirlwind of negative thoughts intercepted by foolish girlish flights of fancy and hope.

I can’t do this any more.
I can’t be clocking the hours, minutes, seconds before I get a response.

Gut feel tells me he’s fast asleep beside a warm body now as I type this.
I wonder what she’s like. I wonder how the kids in the nearby room are like.

Fact is I don’t know any of this for sure.
Fact is I have to flush him out of my system. It’s not a matter of choice here …

I command my mind time and time again.
I need to be pre-occupied, I tell myself many atimes.
I need to get away … now
………………… ………  ………  far

What have I done?
What is wrong with me?
He is not even my kind – I’ve always been allergic to the ‘nice’, ‘fair skinned’, ‘un-callous hands’, and worse of all ‘vertically challenged’ type – the latter rendering all my beloved minimum 4″ high heeled Giorgio Armani, Louboutin, Fendi …etc. redundant!

{sigh. I should think shoes – for that few seconds where I typed the above, I was feeling fine!}

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Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Henry Louis Mencken

8 thoughts on “L.O.V.E sucks!

  1. FYI folks, the ex- is right (AGAIN!)Am totally out of it… actually it was at least a week or more ago that I was totally out of it.Guy now looks like a toad in my "eyes" … a garbage truck living toad {reference to David J Pollay's book – the Law of the Garbagge Truck}

  2. @phil::pthough dude!!!Anyways, the ex– thinks I am just bored stiff out of my mind and dying to find a cause… and since this is something I can never get it's driving me up the wall!lol

  3. huh?you can't be serious!not a war photographer??? or some of those macho rambo type that irritates all the socialites in KL?loleh… are you being serious?It's not one of those oli-what-ever lord you met on a biz trip issit? Or one of your geeky angel investors type?aiyah you said it. ifatuation. you'd be out of it in 1 week? 2 weeks?;p

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