Work Diary: life at the crossroads turns into a Bollywood film!

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I not too long ago picked my shattered heart from the floor while keeping a straight face and continuing the conversation in a controllable tone. If my ex-Boss had been in the room or my Personal Executive Coach for that matter, they would have somersaulted with such elated joy that their toes would touch the fluffy clouds in the clear blue skies just witnessing my composure. I have arrived … though consistency is the key, and both had acknowledge this journey of improvement since 2 years back, constantly encouraging and reminding me about consistency!
Bursting into tears the moment the toilet door was securely shut behind me, all I could see was a long, dark, cold, lonely tunnel with walls closing in on both sides and one lonely shadow … mine.
Not only was my “world” collapsing, I am losing a dear friend and supporter. 
A person who delights me and cheers me up at my lowest moment.
A worldly person whom I love engaging with; topics varying from the three Abrahamic religions, literature, travel to cricket.
Being someone with “relator” as my first strength {base on Gallup’s Strength Finder} and “individualisation” as the 5th strength, ‘losing’ dear friends such as this has great emotional and mental impact on me.
Sure, there are others around, but the fact is, the number of friends who falls into this special category are fast dwindling. Besides, this guy is super special!
The silver lining of this event however was: it created such a great jolt and sent shock waves down my morale and values system that it caused me to take some action – finally!
to focus on myself
again, something my ex-Boss, Personal Executive Coach and other self assigned wise Mentors around me had been nagging me for at least 2 years now.
But since I am still very much “in the making”, I did not embark on any ground breaking leap of ‘progress’ and continued to disappoint my CEO by not pulling off the “heroin” I.V. from my wrist; but rather searching for another ‘pusher’.
Walking down memory lane, this is what I did over the last 4 to 6 weeks:
10 MINUTES AFTER OFFICIAL NEWS
Cried behind closed doors – thank God I chose to work in this Bank for it’s 5-star hotel toilet standards. Great move. First class decision making applied! :p
5 EXCRUCIATING HOURS LATER
Retail therapy – bought 5 pairs of pants from one store! and smugly appreciated the close proximity of KLCC to my work place.
1 DAY LATER
Planned trip to Los Angeles with Val, with the back-up plan for New York.
WITHIN THE WEEK
Sent some ‘personal documents’ out.

FOLLOWING THE ‘personal DOCUMENTS’

Contacted people I’ve never spoken to {not me at all!!!} and those I’ve not spoken to in ages!!!
WHILE TALKING TO SOME PEOPLE …
… who have repeatedly expressed that my ‘heroin junkie’ habit is a bit too much for their affordability, I   turned my attention to plotting escapism routes and planning for a personal rehabilitation – Zululand Cheetah Conservations here I come … or any other possible Gap Year opportunities that includes chasing gas and dust particles in the North Pole.
IN BETWEEN HERE and THERE
attended to ‘stranded’ friends in need of help; 
…. including taxi-ing people around 
…. {grrr… I hate driving, but somehow that seems to fit into the ‘therapy’}
…. giving some financial handouts
…. {something I’ve been meaning to stop, beginning with saying ‘NO’ to books loan requests}
…. loaned 4 books out!
…. {I’m a slow leaner in some aspects}
WEEK TWO
Seriously considered going cold turkey with the ‘heroin addiction’ … partly fueled by Steve Job’s view of life and his infamous speech.

Partly having my nose rubbed into the gravel by my CEO when I seek counsel from him – to bring the Social Enterprise Val and I had built – Scrap-n-Crop.com – to another level rather than waking up some 20 years later to the realization that being a corporate ‘slave’ for 35 years had not prepared me for my next 20 years of life in formal retirement.

as WEEK TWO PROGRESSES
with the Groupon deal Val and I did for our Social Enterprise – Scrap-n-Crop.com – ongoing … errr… we are NO Stevania or Steve-whatever! There’s no way I can stomach the daily operational headaches and heartaches coupled with the errands, chauffeur and care giver responsibilities that comes with working @ home.

A timely and good realization denoting the existence of God {one that loves me at least} in my life.

WEEK TWO DRAWS TO AN END

Totally feeling and humming love is in the airwith a sweet, stable, dependable and sincere guy.

{I think. I hope.}

the END {of WEEK TWO}
I said yes … felt deliriously happy and calm.
Totally seeing a future together… and like all true “love affairs”, the “yes” I uttered disappointed a high percentage of people in my life who is in disbelief and shocked over my choice.
MY LIFE TAKES ON A TWIST: IT’S A BOLLYWOOD FILM {somewhere in the middle of} WEEK 3
Right at the “solemnization fire” with Mr. Stable, Dependable and Sincere, a sexy, irresistible, exciting proposition comes from Mr. Tall, Dark and Dangerous without any obligation. 

“Just give me 5 days and walk down this path with me,” he said.
When I want something, I am shameless…” he carries on.
I was tempted to play with fire! I told Mr. Stable, Dependable and Sincere about my intention.
To my horror Mr. Tall, Dark and Dangerous {herein known as the ‘Dark Side’} had informed Mr. Stable, Dependable and Sincere of his devious intentions and “my love” – Mr. Stable, Dependable and Sincere – consented my meeting with the ‘Dark Side’.

I found myself floating on halogen clouds with the ‘Dark Side’.

How was I possibly deliriously happy a few days ago? That was an erroneous assumption.
A DAY LATER … as WEEK 3 {draws to an end}
My life is no longer a Bollywood Film. It’s a Bollywood Film about CIRCUS!!!
The ‘old lover’ comes back knocking on the door with a brighter and bigger ‘engagement ring’.
With this offer I had always known what to expect: Cold, Transactional, Mutually Fulfilling Financially and enough of Intellectual Stimulation to last a lifetime.
However, unlike the day before, I was not flattered nor floating … if felt as if I had fallen into a bed of thorns. I was beyond confused.
I wished someone would throw me in front of an oncoming train. That way (a) I don’t need to make any decision, (b) no one gets hurt, and (c) if it’s not classified as suicide, the Conventional PA, Life and Takaful Life kicks in!

{insurance is appears seems to be my “recreational drug addiction” if my pay cheque is my “heroin”!}
WEEK THREE ENDS 
I spoke to “my love” after I had an endorphin burst in my brain from contorting body parts to align chakras whiles hypnotized by ashram type music.

I affirmed my decision:

through thick and thin with sprinkling of ‘sugar and spice’, 
‘sexy’ is what we shall create as a team … 
I am relieved.
But not calmer. Just numb.

This must be the right choice though.

It feels right {I think}.
I feel that the Heavenly Gods are smiling down at me {I think}.
… as for those I have disappointed with my decision to take the rough road with the worst risk-rewards returns, well, they have loved me all these years … they will come around. They know I am a sucker for pain!
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 – – – – – – – –      the end {not}    – – – – – – – –
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.and since this is my life … yes, the life of Penelope Gan … 
it just is never straight forward and easy…
and like all Bollywood films that never seems to draw to an end, with unsuspecting twist and turns even as you sit with a backache and droopy eyes from Bollywood over dose, the protagonist is always undecided and the antagonist relentless … and such was the weeks to come …

EARLY in WEEK FOUR

The ‘old lover’ leaves a short message requesting to speak.
I reacted with what seems like a nonchalant “whatever” …
Not because I was suffering from an over inflated ego. Not because of lack of interest.
It’s just that I am confused and numb. I had decided to ‘go with the flow’ – whatever that means as well.

Incapable of saying ‘NO’ and being rude, I continued to wreck my brains for  a way to say a nice ‘NO’ – whatever that means – blocking any thoughts and decision on the following choices:

‘sexy adventurous’ Media Industry (Doha-Nairobi)
‘old lover’ in Consulting (Kuala Lumpur) 
‘my love’ in Corporate (Kuala Lumpur)

In the meantime I officially terminatied my current relationship.
Cutting off any strings and attachments.

Elated?

NO. Still NUMB.

WEEK FOUR ends with almost NO interruptions

The ‘old lover’ cajoles me to take a nibble off the fat, juicy carrot being dangled in front of me.
Fleeing – in my usual cowardice fashion of not wanting to hurt anyone – I bought time yet again, prolonging my ‘pain’ and ‘suffering’.
WEEK FIVE crazy blast off
Accepted the ‘old lover’ nibble proposition in the form of travel for them to start brandishing their sexier offerings in the region as well as allowing them to feed and cater to my egoistical boost of being included in the ‘actuarial club’ despite dropping out of my Applied Mathematics and Actuarial Science major in university! Needless to say I was duly impressed and had it just been me and the ‘old lover’ at the altar, it would have been a no-brainer.
I did not confide in ‘my love’ about my intended short rendezvous … but guilt got the better of me. I texted him while cruising down the highway to the airport, asking him out for lunch the week after. A stickler of honesty and integrity, I have placed myself squarely in a conundrum with those text messages; clueless as to the context of the lunch meeting and thus begin another dimension of my ‘pain’ and ‘suffering’.
What do I tell him?
Is there anything that I want to tell him?
Have I made the final decision between him and the ‘old lover’?
Do I leave it to faith?
Do I allow my future to be decided upon my split-second and hormonal swing reaction to what ‘my lover’ says over lunch?
And if that wasn’t cruelty in the highest order in my books, WEEK FIVE ends with a brand new proposition to escape all the craziness here for Doha by a senior member of the Bank for the financial industry; not media! which equates to way,way, way more moo lah and stability.

bah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frankly, I wonder {too often to the point of it being unhealthy} what these people see in me. 
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I am ungrateful or aloof … rather this is the reaction and self inflection of a not-so-confident perfectionist with OC{P}D. 
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.– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

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There’s no real way to pinpoint the exact timeline of the above occurrences and it’s meant to be so.
I had initially scheduled a release of this blog some where in December 2011, but decided 20 November is a great date purely from a symmetry stand point of 20112011 … you know how I tick anyways … so, no explanation needed! 
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8 thoughts on “Work Diary: life at the crossroads turns into a Bollywood film!

  1. Oi fei lo!I thought you will tell her Al Jazeera. What man???? That's once a lifetime thing.Though I agree with your latter wisdom. Our princess tends to get too emotional and relational. Just go for the $$$ man. Exposure and opportunity. The rest don't care. It's WORK!

  2. One more thing princess, don't set up 'my love' to fail if that's the route you are sticking on. s/He is just a normal human being and not some superhuman to idolise. Like all real marriages too (ahem I speak with authority here), you got to open your eyes wider to see the flaws and love the flaws more.

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