over-zealous neurotransmitter dopamine or weak will power?

3 bad things happened today that got me thinking again.
Well, not thinking that I’m done with the curse as they say, ‘bad things happens in 3’, but ….
First, it was a 3 hour plus drive in the morning.
As I was coming up the ramp that bends around the memorial centre (three-fifth of my morning journey), the second bad thing happened:

He was called away. Our meeting was postponed.

It’s really too early to be talking logistics; and yet that has been the subject over the last few days. 
All my ex- and I spoke about was logistics in our final 2 years together … when you have that much logistics to manage, 2 years does fly by.
Frankly, I was shocked over his suggestions when he first uttered it a few days ago.
Of course maintaining professionalism, his suggestion was quickly construed and masked as a meeting with a real purpose.
There’s a decorum “line” that cannot be crossed.
I wonder if only I am thinking and feeling this way. 
It could very well be all in my mind.
did the conversation really happened? … I start to wonder.
Is divine intervention a coincidence? or is the Heavenly Gods deliberately putting up hurdles to save us?
Is there an ‘us’, in the first place?
Of course it’s all premature:
Met twice in person, officially.
Once semi officially.
Spoken once over twice phone lengthily on a personal and none work related matter.
SMS-ed probably slightly more than 10 exchanges since late last year – of course this was partly due to the fact that we were both pre-occupied by our personal transitions and vacations.
One thing for sure, he exudes danger.
irresistible danger
Gosh! What’s wrong with me?
My sister – who has transformed into a mother worse than my very own biological one – had cautioned me endlessly, but the way I see it:  some harmless exchanges wouldn’t hurt. I am after all a true blue Libran – “flirting” is in my stars.
And if you should know, I am just a victim of my very own biochemistry reaction; where my overactive, overzealous, easily excitable neurotransmitter dopamine causes me to fall into a range of self-destructive addictions and making the worse choices I can make day in and day out.

The subsequent events of the day only proves to illustrate how effective my neurotransmitter dopamine is vs. my will power….

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The news of him being away was followed by a meeting with an arrogant piece of shit, who got amusingly more pent-up and worked-up as I maintained composure and diplomacy.

Though it’s tough to even grant me a score of 7.5 (out of ’10’, ‘1’ being ‘got to kill myself’, ’10’ being ‘Buddha Zen’), juxtaposed against his uncultured and unrefined delivery of personal attacks towards me, I did well. Whoaaa….hoooo! I did more than well – thanks to Einstein and the theory of relativity.

Usually post such occurrences, I would be kicking myself to no ends in an imaginary self created corner, going through every second of the occurrence in my head, trying to figure our how I could have prevented it or how I needed to improve myself. This time around I indulged in a meal of daging deng-deng (and was reminded fondly of my little brother Barrie N.), ikan masin, terung masak cabai and a teh tarik – definitely the neurotransmitter dopamine at work; having thrown out any possible calories calculations and the effects of the cholestoral indulgence will have on my productivity thereafter.

Just a quick sider:

I truly don’t understand why people have to exercise their position authority in such an obnoxious demeaning manner; and if I may say in terms of position seniority, he ain’t any better than me either.

Quick summation of the “issue” at hand:

 he’s seriously a product of a pathetic piece of stained and defected genes suitable for exhibit at the British Museum! 
After the 3 bad things in a day, I had to chill with someone that evening. Anyone.
Co-incidentally, J called. J swung by.
J – who’s life of trials and tribulations I am never tired of listening to …
He grounds me.
He inspires me.
He reminds me on every occasion that the Heavenly Gods have put things into place for us… things do happen for a reason.

On J’s premise:

I am seriously believing that I am stuck with mr. Stable, Sincere, Dependable (who is anything but those) for a reason …
And I can safely suppose that the Heavenly Gods will be forgiving if I take a dose of ‘vitamins’ in the form of mr. Tall, Dark and Dangerous, J or even him.
Maybe personal relationship loyalty is not my strongest suit …
Maybe neurotransmitter dopamine is stronger than my will power …
Maybe J is right!



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