To Do List <- the reason of me {still} being here?

In my not all so recent performance appraisal I was marked ‘satisfactory’ for ‘Judgement’ and ‘Leadership’ with the rest of the traits / competency being ‘strengths’ including ‘Tardiness’!
It was a 3-rating scale of: ‘Poor’, ‘Satisfactory’ and ‘Strength’
I shall not even get into the appraisal’s very own Judgement (or lack of) given that my ‘Tardiness’ (which everyone knows is appalling) scored a ‘Strength’.
I shall rise above the need for relativity measures here for the ‘Leadership’ trait, but suffice to say I know where I stand … and require no validation.
The subject of interest however is ‘Judgement’… for today at least.
This is because as the first quarter of 2012 draws to an end, I am deadpan convince that I should be rated ‘extremely bad’ to ‘non-existence’ for ‘Judgement’.
Every decision I had made since the second half of 2011 has been bad. 
Bad doesn’t even cut it.
Seriously bad, to profoundly bad just only begins to explain how bad it is on both the personal and professional front.
As a result, while reeling and in most cases still living the consequences of the bad judgements, I have been yo-yo-ing between “I am (seriously) ok” to “What’s my insurance claim for suicide now?”
Being a person who needs to analyse things (and yet “analytical” is not my Gallup Strengths Top 5 Strength), and having a strange affinity with my insurance, I automatically spiral down the path of What’s Claimable in my Insurance Policy? and a To Do List Before I: slit my wrist, jump off a cliff, down fermented liquid and a cocktail of tablets, or inhale my ‘baby’‘s fart.
What’s stranger that the above paragraph (now that I am sure you think I am a serious psychopathic mess) is the consideration I have to make in the:

 To Do List Before I :
slit my wrist, 
jump off a cliff, 
down fermented liquid and a cocktail of tablets, or 
inhale my ‘baby”s fart.
Check suicide cooling off period for insurance policies – including the new one as a result of change in employment –  and check if suicide is claimable under GTL.

Clear out personal mess and document in rooms 
including the dark secrets and credit card bills I don’t want my mother to find out although technically she can’t kill me coz I would have been dead by then.
Pay off outstanding bills 
not that I have porn subscriptions or recreational drugs supplies that I don’t want people knowing.
Wear nice matching set of lingerie 
this I blame my architect friend Andy P for planting this ridiculous idea in my head every time we had to rush to a site – and drive recklessly – or walk through dark, secluded alleys or pitch black open areas when we finish up in the wee hours of the morning.
Leave notes on my last rites
I have some problems with this. 
No, not about my remains or the fanfare that goes with it – my point is I have no desire treating the busy bodies who’s only interested to see how physically mutilated I have become simply because their Winnie-the-Pooh pea-sized brain is incapable of registering the concept of a closed casket, and to huddle in corners sipping away good Chinese tea or wine speculating on the ‘real’ cause for my decision of self termination/mutilation.

I just want to be strewn into the blow hole along the Great Ocean Road.
The problem with this is I can’t decide if I want to take my Teddy with me given what ‘he’ will have to go though. On one hand, I can’t bear the thought of him going up in flames, but on the other hand I am sadden by the visualisation of him being abandoned and filled with dust mites in a dark corner of a cupboard void of any bodily warm and cuddly hugs.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –  
Well, I did say that live is though and I have bad judgement.
Extremely bad judgement.
One clear thing that has come out of my experiences since mid 2011 are:
  1. stay away from all manner of the lives with estrogen hormone – be it personal or professional, everyone of my bad decisions were centered around an estrogen scumbag,
  2. just do the very opposite of what I’d normally do – there’s a reason why ‘analytical’ is not my Top 5 Strength after all.


7 thoughts on “To Do List <- the reason of me {still} being here?

  1. @phil … I'll just have to pick a place or an event/festival/activity you would not go.:pI seriously don't think we'll travel well together. At least if there's only two of us.

  2. Oh, I can be punching bag, chaperon, camera gear and all luggage carrier on your next chill out trip.Just don't make me chant in some ashram … please.

  3. Stay cool babe. Take time off. Go across the globe. Go to an ashram. Just get the blardee out of that damn place and forget those bastards who don't cheerish you.Their loss, your gain!Seriously.xoxo

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