Counting days …

My obsession with the one whom I decided is not soooo into me is waning.
I think.
In part I am tired of being on the waiting and anticipating end.
busy . sorry . travel . sorry . 
………………………………………….is beginning to sound like a broken record.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
In part, I can’t help but wonder if I am a means to an end.

There are days I am sure it’s 
#1 : he wants the money
On other days it’s 
#2 : he wants the lead
On my lowest days, it’s 
both #1 and #2
Given there’s unfortunately only 7 days in a week, often laced with busy . sorry . travel . sorry .  there’s almost no days left for my positive mind frame of he‘s genuine”.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
In part, I have found an interim obsession that veer to the dark side.

Carefully moving the sculptured pieces across the checkered board, I am almost there … 
I can almost visualise ‘check mate’. 
I see the 3 remaining moves during my waking hours {when I’m not thinking, re-reading messages and emails or tracking his schedule}.
Of course, I am aware that there is a high chance that ‘Waterloo’ may just happen … and perhaps like Napolean I am screwed … but for sure I’d have more physical stature {and height} than him! Napolean that is.
Unsure if its paranoia, I sense a coalition {though a 3-part one rather than the “Seventh Coalition”} with an “Order of Battle of the Waterloo Campaign” type strategies being lined up.
Unwilling to go down the way Napolean had, or perhaps sub-consciously, every conversation I have with those I would consider as my personal mentors seems to point me towards a path of independence and self-reliancy; but first the question that requires an answer is: what’s the loss threshold?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Proud to say I had arrived on that one – the “what’s the loss threshold” in one aspect of my life …

I had sent him a message to the effect of: “let’s not force it. I’d rather walk now …” of which I received no response. Either he‘s relieved. Or he, being more matured and sensible, would rather have that talked the subject out in person … that is after or when busy . sorry . travel . sorry .  becomes  busy . sorry . travel . sorry . 


As said in my message to him, I’m not holding my breath…
if busy . sorry . travel . sorry . would ever transpire.
Frankly, I believe he‘s just not soooo into me.
Oh well…

Admittedly I still ‘jump’ and my heart gives a quick somersault of hope every time a message comes in … only to sink to the pits of darkness when it isn’t him
Admittedly I still check on his scheduler and updates daily … like nicotine addiction, I’m down to 2 or 3 checks per day rather than almost every hour. 
It will take some time … just like nicotine … though frankly I won’t really know for sure. 
I don’t have a nicotine addiction!
Never did.



5 thoughts on “Counting days …

  1. It's just an infatuation lah.I don't think you'd ever settle with anyone.Besides who can afford you???;pSo, of course it's always going to be #1.Best of all you got to put up with us pauper guys humouring you.By the way, just go shoot something and you'd be fine.Paintball?Shooting range?Photo?

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